Tag Archives: rant

I need my curser to help me out


I just know if this curser I seem to stare at all day would blink to the rhythm of my i-tunes song that is blasting, I would get much more work done.

Computer Hassles? Phone 13 G-E-E-K

Computer Hassles? Phone 13 G-E-E-K (Photo credit: Jessica.James)

To even increase my productivity and creativity further this would help;

  • clap screen to different faint pantone background colours.
  • threaten me gangster style if i have not typed in over 5 minutes.
  • I would be even more eager to work if my curser was a mini coloured Louis Vuitton purse.
  • squeezing my eyes really tight reacted in the next perfect word to type.
  • a screen wiper freshened my screen by cleaning all the cigarette smoke off after every 3 cigarettes.
  • in a non-computer sounding voice, rather realistic male voice once every half hour told me how gorgeous and talented I was.
  • spell check actually worked.
  • my office chair had bluetooth to my mac and when I try to stand up my mac would say “no more munchies and wine.”
  • a soothing aroma, in a timely matter oozed gently from under my keys when it felt fit.
  • touching my screen with 2 fingers gave me a replacement of 3 minute mirror, not revealing my writing hairstyle.
  • large red WARNING letters flash when I write something stupid [I heard that]
  • when I get a reflection of myself from my screen, it would have really big boobies!
  • that a replica of my hand would come out of my camera hole and give me a slap when I write blogs to write blogs.

 

Any others?

 

Have a great Day!!!!!


I am my biggest fan and follow myself


That’s why I like WordPress, I can follow myself and I haven’t been on a site yet where I otherwise could.  Yes I am aware I am talking to myself.  That’s the gift-what happens in my mind, stays in my mind.  A good coping mechanism when one has lost their marbles and is still hungry, is the imagination.  Oh this came about when……

I realized this morning how serious and quiet, even boring and bitchy I have been lately.  It’s not like I am trying to get out of the responsibility of my actions but do confess book promoting is such a drag.  One month of promoting now and it never occurred to me I could take a break or try and work on my next novel.  Having said that my genius mind has decided under no circumstances can I promote my novel, or I shall turn into an irreversible undertaker professionally.

I say……………….

Shit, I think I just promoted myself.  OK, doesn’t count as I am trying to make excuses for my irritating, irresponsible, isolating, ignorant,  illegal, instigating, intolerable, insensitive, insane, itchy, and intoxicated behavior.  Yes I make myself laugh. I may add quite often, quite hard and for long periods of time. I think I am being tickled from  a nervous breakdown.  So I am here to counteract it with typing some thoughts for the moment, It won’t take long, as I have short term memory lapses.

Not in the telling a funny joke way, actually I never get jokes. But in a OMG kinda way. Difficult to explain and I so wish I was a writer to articulate my funniness or humor suppose is a more classy term. I’m all about class, oozes from me. Yep classy natural humor.

Thank goodness I find myself funny, most don’t. They think I am serious or weird or just don’t understand me, until of course, they get to know me.

That’s when the laughter is expected. Primarily from me. I am trying to think of some examples to demonstrate my hilarious demeanor.

I reckon the Three Musketeers are all doing poems in some fancy uptight format or version? I bet they are not expecting one from me about me [zip it]. Please do not be alarmed that I am talking to myself, I am kinda stuck doing so since ‘You’ [me] make me laugh is written to, about, for, from, well, me.

Well I made up my mind since my minds world got me started. It gave myself permission to publicly make an a**  of myself [quite therapeutic if I do say].  It’s widget time and here’s what I’m thinking *giggles* [no control of bladder sometimes, sorry]

Today I shall be LEGO girl!

May I add that my mother told me; Imagination is said to be intelligence having fun. I like that. Though she said not to share it with people as it cycles too fast and teachers use to think I was trying to get thrown out of class.  Well, unless WordPress has teachers, I feel pretty confident I am safe. If only I could just invent some intelligence, or find where I can buy it? Please advise if you can……… It’s OK your safe, I am not contagious [well there anyways].

Hope you guessed by now what makes me laugh is my own imagination. Good thing people can read my mind cause imagine if they couldn’t

Let’s imagine if…….

  • I had an imagination
  • siamese twins were formerly joined at the lips
  • spin the bottle could only be played by schizophrenics
  • there was a medical devise for reshaping the tongue
  • men used portable urinals-remembering to shake
  • that Britney was my daughter
  • we gave out free earplugs to elephants
  • all hot married men had single twin brothers
  • if I wasn’t so funny
  • if I understood what PSYCHOANALYTICAL meant

And imagine if……….

  • I owned HubPages
  • babies and elders didn’t poop their pants but the rest of us did
  • the dictionary was funny
  • Blowfish were the ones smuggling cocaine through the waterways
  • Google slept, just even once
  • cats could have a drivers licence
  • seahorses discovered another side to the globe
  • we could follow ourselves and leave awesome fan mail all over the net
  • we could buy accolades or trade like hockey cards
  • No one had hair except sunnieday and kimberly gray

And imagine if…………….

  • we could be immature forever
  • we could eat right from our computer screens pictures of food [careful with the fish]
  • Shamoo was a person in real life
  • snakes all had a big nose
  • OMG if I was not so smokin hot
  • The automatic Umbrella doubled as a toiled when turned upside down [what? there are emergencies
  • a vampire bit me, again but 3x now missed the spot
  • if I was a writer
  • all recipes were interactive
  • school principles were not allowed to use their intercoms

And imagine if…………….

  • it was impossible to be famous
  • you could induce an instant orgasm by scratching your head
  • you could create itchy pink dandruff
  • politicians didn’t have artificial hearts
  • parrots could only curse and swear
  • OMG I wasn’t so self-consumed
  • if men wen’t so confusing in bed
  • you could eat your tickles
  • I won some talent
  • our bums were always exposed
  • eating radishes grew hair on men and women’s chests

And imagine if…………….

  • burkas were made of leather
  • I could be of sound mind, and have volume controls
  • Visa was a gift with each bible redeemable at any fast food restaurant
  • the sound of dogs barks were farts and their farts made a bark
  • if I was born a day earlier, how different my life might have been
  • if we all would think alike – bet there would be a lot less humour
  • if we never once had to get up in the morning
  • a new pair of shoes came with every supersize meal
  • SomewayOuttaHere learned to be cool and ride motorcycles
  • the world all became Canadian citizens

And imagine if…………….

  • lineups were illegal
  • I had boobies
  • I was the face on the hundred dollar bill
  • Heaven was at the pick up counter in Starbucks
  • I wasn’t long-winded
  • Police wore tighter pants by 2 sizes
  • the most elite golf courses in the world were in the bronx
  • the duration of pregnancy was 3 hours, 4 with twins
  • only truck drivers had emotions
  • cure for hangovers were somersaults
  • Wayne finally washed his willy
And imagine if……………
  • if spiders wore tap shoes
  • denture glue was a multi-purpose deodorant, and skin cream as well.
  • jellyfish was delicious with peanut butter
  • blogging increased your IQ [start-blog a lot!]
  • superheroes wore trench coats with belts, not capes
  • Denzel Washington proposed to me
  • the playboy mansion was a gift from Hef
  • beautiful brides didn’t get ugly later on
  • colour coded souls so people could see right through you
  • sex was a legal if we kept maintaining the 4x a day law
  • snot did not exist

And imagine if…………….

  • pornography was famous due to the fact the ‘actors’ had to be clothed
  • those scam inheritance emails were real
  • you could make money writing
  • gambling was mandatory for all citizens until the age of 21
  • WordPress also doubled as an ATM machine [get cash from CD slot]
  • WordPress bought each blogger a racehorse of their choice
  • Robert Downey Junior took me out on the ever waiting date in Bermuda
  • a 6 pack really had 7 and the 7th was free
  • there was a huge black market for buying and selling blogs using bookies as they would know how to stay under internet police radar
  • imagine if I kept going ……………………..


She just went poop, and how can I get mad?


oh boy

hubpages


Blogging in the dark!!!!!!


Seems only fitting since I anxiously published my third book this week that being a novel.  This time excited at the prospect I have softcover versions, E books and a video and audiobook in progress.  Very impressive?

Ya right, I feel like a fart in a windstorm, as my recently deceased father would say.

I have been researching for 4 days how an independently published author approaches new book promotions and frankly I have deflated before even starting.

I have truly a vast and simple means of step by step portholes to help publish my book.  Truth is I haven’t even rejoiced in my accomplishment being weighed down so much by “The List”
How can the simplest of mundane and repetitive steps feel so overwhelming when I do indeed want and need to promote my latest book?
This for me is much harder than writing the book.  I keep asking myself why and I’m pretty sure that my feelings are correct.
I am actually shy and insecure to keep writing all these positive, inviting, descriptive, and ever changing posts about myself.  Therefore I freeze.  Even with all my answers organized and living beneath my fingertips.
Having said that, and thank you for letting mr rant my first step is refining and exposing my book on the proper links which I am going too attempt now.
So here will be the first place I will……….
BTW talk about me getting all my ducks in a row,  I would be quite happy if I could just get them to all be in the same pond.
OK here we go
My first Novel, My life as a white, female drug dealer is far from being just a book about dealing.  Our character sky allows us to participate in an addicts  journey many have not known.  She, while some disagreeing, triumphs over challenges which hold all odds against her.  She is a survivor!
All ebooks are at smashwords
all softcover at createspace
Also books available on Amazon
My website is just being built to support other authors www.kimberlyswritings.com
I must push forward.  Well, after a good sleep and conquer promotions which I just know I can?
Kimberlyslyrics on hubpages
Ans Sunnie Day who has teally helped me with such a beautiful blog
My social networking sites can also be found on smashwords
and
thank you whew! I really needed that rant…..

Mythbroakia

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