Feel Me


Departures

 

It is not that I went places

Deserving me insane

No drug, nor love nor any disease

Justly caused me this much pain

 

A grown woman

Searching my inner child

Continues to battle

These demons gone wild

 

No blame do I dribble

Or fault can I wear

Broken, Beaten and done

No choices should I bare

 

A victim to the wise

I do not believe

Nor surrender by admission

My heart I did deceive

 

The student I am playing

Creates such an urge to shout

Feeding my loneliness

Continuing my world of self doubt

 

I know I hurt all whom I have loved

In attempting to try over again

It was I who selfishly sought

Approval desperately from them

 

Today once again

I ache to give in

Avoiding tomorrow

To crawl outside of my own skin

 

Grateful to have had

More than I could have dreamed

Although never felt quite worthy

Assumed I was just lucky it seemed

 

In all of my efforts

I failed ones soul the worst

Cannot be fixed or ever be the same

It was then my escape came first

 

I would nod as you talked

With respect in each word

Now I must openly confess

There was not a thing I had heard

 

How does one leave

When I know it is my mate

And can’t hurt them again

Are amends just too late

 

I know without doubt

How deeply I am wanted

Why then incapable

In facing you, I am haunted

 

From social to Hermit

And gifted to sad

Choices I do own

Slowly turned bad

 

I know my departure

Is a fear of loss

That someone will not like me

Now lost and no defined cause

 

Deep inside my being

I don’t want to again climb

To endless commitments

In shock of what I leave behind

 

My gifts are endless

The blood line I do share

And many others who have held me

It still hurts that they cared

 

Inconsistent at best

Kaos in each move

So desperate to exit

Left nothing to prove

 

Maybe it’s true

I gave into my past

But could you face this

Results do painfully last

 

Poor, alone, aging so quickly

Sad with boredom’s belief

Tired now almost a decade

I’m half gone with no relief

 

I do, do, do do hear your

 

I know I truly don’t hold onto

New beginnings, fresh starts and different things

As I have lived every desired part

In all that my dreams did bring

 

Now benched in a park

Inking for a sign

Knowing I am sure

This fate is mine

 

It’s colder and darkening

Time here stands still and near

No game left to play with

And incapable to hear

 

I just can’t accept

there’s freedom from shame

Despite what I have heard

In others that will name

 

I for awhile

Will continue to smile

Habitual my own coping

I only know one style

 

I must face the truth

My way no longer works

Terrified of failure

For me

 

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